Author: Denis Wilhelm

Miss Manners, Wherefore art thou?

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Judith Martin gives advice on etiquette under the pseudonym of Miss Manners. Back in the day, when I actually subscribed to a newspaper, I regularly read her column. Sometimes I was amused by her responses, always delivered in third person. “Gentle Reader, Miss Manners does not approve”. Often I was confused by her archaic approach to modern situations. But lately I find myself longing for the kind of simple courtesy that Miss Manners holds in such high regard.

mannersI recently got home from a business trip. Encountering boorish behavior is nothing new. What’s surprising is that it seems to be more and more the rule rather than the exception. Here’s a sampling of some of what I witnessed:

  • A guy jumped in front of a group of us at the airport parking shuttle bus pick-up (we were huddled together in sub-zero temperatures desperately trying to stay warm and had been waiting in the cold for 15 minutes). As he shoved his way past the rest of us he explained to the driver that he couldn’t possibly wait for the next bus because he had overslept.
  • A lady at the airport security check point insisted her yapping little dog be “treated with respect” – her words. She was demanding this respect from fellow travelers in a very loud and angry voice. Apparently some other passenger had frowned at the aforementioned puppy.
  • A flight attendant told a beleaguered traveler that he would have to gate check his bag because “you people bring too much carry-on stuff “ and “it’s not our job to accommodate all of this!” In fairness it was a very full flight but the poor guy was just asking what he should/could do.

I know that we live in busy world. But can’t we be busy and courteous? Can’t we hurry and still be mannerly?

This is often my own struggle. And my great shame is that I could see myself in each of these individuals – the offenders; not the offended. My impatience, disregard for others feelings, and my self-importance was reflected in each of these actions. I believe that Miss Manners would, more often than not, disapprove of my behavior. What can I do? What should I do???

I’m going to start by remembering that simple courtesy is a luxury I can afford. I should be able get to my destination on time and also be kind to strangers. I believe that I can put others needs ahead of my own and still achieve my goals. 

 Gentle Readers, I promise to try harder to please Miss Manners.

Peace,

Denis

Living in the Future

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I’m probably not alone in sometimes imagining what my life will be like in the future. What may be unique is the amount of detail that my daydreams include. Often when I’m stuck in traffic or on a tarmac or at the DMV, I will time-travel to the future:

Recently I imagined a day when President Anna (my 5 year-old granddaughter who will most certainly be a politician or a Hollywood agent because she can talk anyone into anything – well me anyway – and is a budding ballet dancer) was presenting the Presidential Medal of Freedom to her cousin Dr. Charlise (my 9 year-old granddaughter who will be an Egyptologist and a research scientist because she reads everything she can find on ancient Egypt and loves reality television shows or books with titles like Extreme Medical Maladies or Abnormal Sea Life) for discovering cures for cancer, heart disease and boogie fever – which has seen a resurgence from the 1970’s while Attorney General Noah (my 3 year-old grandson “Life’s a Party Noah”, race car driver and brother of President Anna, which is how he’ll get the Attorney General gig) and Pope Ainsley (3 month-old baby sister of Charlise who will be the first American Pope – and a woman!) look on. Of course I’ll be there too.

Long before they were President, Attorney General, Scientist and Pope

Future President, Attorney General, Scientist and Pope

Not all of my daydreams are quite this detailed but more often than not, they are. Should I be concerned? I don’t think so. Don’t we all imagine life in the future? Doesn’t everyone wonder what life will be like someday? I assume that it’s just natural human curiosity to try to work it out in our minds; to imagine what is coming so we can be prepared. Certainly most of my preparation for the future will be figuring out how to accept the nearly constant praise for my amazing grandchildren. I’m certain that I will learn to accept it with humility.

Okay, so most of this was written “tongue in cheek” but I do daydream at times about the future and I always imagine that I’m there. I’m not quite so egocentric that I think life won’t go on without me. I know that someday I will die. But I do like to think that I’ll still be there – in spirit, in memory, in the love that I shared. I believe this because all those that have loved me are still here. In my heart, in my soul, and in everything that I say and do.

God gives us eternal life. And sometimes in the quiet stillness, I get a tiny glimpse of what that really means. And someday, well you know…

Peace,

Denis

We Fell In Love And There’s No Way Out!

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Wedding DayYears ago there was a country song by that name. And while it was a spoof (of sorts) it rang true to us then and it still does today. On January 4, 1975 Deb and I got married. That was 39 years ago! We’ve had good days and bad days but through it all we have remained in love. And we have shared laughter nearly each and every day. Neither of us knew back in 1975 what our lives would become and sometimes (most times actually) it’s still a journey of discovery.

But even in times of heartbreak and uncertainty one thing is clear – we’re in this together. And we have been blessed. We have three beautiful children and four even more beautiful grandchildren. We have traveled the world and lived abroad. We have survived a couple of career changes. We have buried loved ones; welcomed new family members and made life-long friends. We have cried tears of joy and tears of sorrow. So we indeed have fallen into it. Into love. Into life.

It’s been quite an adventure. We’ve witnessed some amazing things. We’ve worked hard; played hard and tried to keep Christ in the center of our lives. Those of you who know us, know that I’m the organizer, the planner, the pusher/puller – always trying to keep things moving; to get us to our destination. Deb is the heart and soul of our family; she’s the care-giver; the nurturer; the “slow down and smell the roses” – always reminding us to savor the journey. We are the proverbial tortoise and hare. Me all “hurry, hurry”; she all “take it easy”. It can be confounding at times but we’ve managed somehow.

As far as the laughter, it has been a constant throughout our marriage. Check out our wedding day photo. Once a friend viewed this picture and asked, “In what kind of church did you two get married?” Her reason for asking? She had never seen a ceremony where the bride knelt down in front of the groom. We both broke up in laughter. Our friend seemed confused and embarrassed by our response. Why the laughter? Because Deb is standing in the photo. She and I just happen to be over a foot different in height!

So yes, as the songs goes, “we fell in love and there’s no way out!”

EnglandBut then again, why would we want out???

Peace,

Denis

And Still He Comes…

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As Christmases go, I’ve had better ones. Granddaughter Anna got sick on Christmas Eve which ended the celebration early for her and little brother Noah and her parents. As Anna and Noah were whisked away my heart ached for them (and me). No five year-old wants to be sick on Christmas; no grandfather wants to see his little angel sad on Christmas Eve.

Moments earlier I had received a message that my wife’s cousin had lost her battle with cancer. I decided that I would wait until later to gently break that sad news to Deb. And just the day before we had received word that our friends’ Dad had passed away.

This was not the Christmas that I had planned. I HAD PLANNED? Therein lies the absurdity. Once again I was reminded that I am not in charge. All the planning, all the hoping, all the deliberation about this gift or that, what food to prepare, what to wear, seemed silly when I finally put everything in perspective. Because still He comes.

Jesus comes amidst our joy and sorrow; our triumphs and disappointments. He comes to be with us. God is with us.

Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and they shall name him Emmanuel, which means “God is with us.” Matthew 1:23

We learned later that our friends’ family shared their traditional Christmas Eve gathering in honor of their Dad. Deb’s cousin’s family gathered together as well – first at the hospital and then at home; embracing one another and carrying on as Mom would have wanted.

Charlise Anna Noah AinsleyAnd Anna? Well she felt a little puny on Christmas Day but I believe that Santa lifted her spirits. And yesterday she was able to exchange gifts and share hugs and giggles with her cousins and little brother. Her upset belly seemed to be a distant memory.

This Christmas, even in our sorrow and in our loss, we have so much for which to be thankful – the love of friends and family; the joy of children in our midst.  

And in it and through it all, still He comes…

Peace,

Denis

Anticipation

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In some strange way, I always have enjoyed the hustle-bustle of Christmas anticipation. Not the desperate “must find something!” gift search, but our last-minute preparations:

  • Wrapping the last gifts
  • Cleaning the house and putting up the final Christmas decorations
  • Queueing up our favorite Christmas music
  • Planning the holiday meals and purchasing the food and the wine

I find comfort in these rituals. This is what I do. This is how I prepare. I anticipate Christmas by getting things done. I am proactive.

AdventwreathBut sometimes I’m afraid that I miss out on some golden moments by working too hard; planning too much; preparing for something that won’t meet my expectations. When our children were young they would ask me what I wanted for Christmas. My answer was always the same, “A clean house and good kids.” This was most often greeted with rolled eyes and a groan. Of course I was mostly joking but still there was some truth in my wish.

And yet when I look back on my fondest Christmas memories it has nothing to do with a perfect house or well-behaved children. It has always been those things that I didn’t anticipate that brought me the greatest joy. And this year is no exception:

  • Receiving a kiss on my cheek from my sweet Noah Boy while attending the ‘Novena’ at our local convent this week without prompting.
  • Our grown son Blake unexpectedly being able to secure time off from work and be with us with for Christmas.
  • An impromptu evening with my brother and sister-in-law; sharing laughs and good memories.

Of course there are other unexpected things this year:

  • My friend and spiritual director who is dealing with horrific pain while awaiting back surgery; which will hopefully “fix her” again.
  • A beloved cousin battling cancer and kidney failure.
  • Our dear friends’ Dad who will be receiving hospice care beginning tomorrow.

I cannot think of three people more deserving of a peaceful and pain-free Christmas. It is heart-breaking to think that these three should suffer when we are preparing for the ultimate joy in the birth of Our Savior.

The virgin shall conceive, and bear a son,
and shall name him Emmanuel. Isaiah 7:14

And yet I find comfort in these unexpected ‘gifts’ this year; good and bad. I know that it is our faith in God in which we find our peace; our joy.

Today as we light the fourth candle on our Advent wreath my prayer will simply be, “Come Lord Jesus!”

Peace,

Denis

Rejoice, rejoice!

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Rejoice, rejoice; Emmanuel shall come to thee O Israel!

RejoiceIt’s the third week of Advent and we light our pink candle. Our focus this week is on hopefulness and joyful anticipation. We still wait but without sadness or despair. Instead we know that Christ’s coming is near.

In this family joyful anticipation is resounding! Our three year-old grandson Noah knows that Christmas is coming. Last night he showed me that Jesus is already in his Fisher-Price Little People® nativity but he explained, “He’s not in the real one until Christmas; we just have to wait!”

Noah is our little Isaiah; reminding us about the coming Christ – Emmanuel. We can be excited but we must wait.

The desert and the parched land will exult;
the steppe will rejoice and bloom.
They will bloom with abundant flowers,
and rejoice with joyful song. Isaiah 35:1-2

Of course there is much more joyful anticipation in our home; our two month-old granddaughter Ainsley is coming for a visit this weekend (and bringing her parents along). Nine year-old Charlise and five year-old Anna and of course three year-old Noah will be joining in the Christmas celebrations next week! There will be family gatherings and gift-giving and wonderful food and music and laughter and in the center of it all will be the Baby Jesus safely tucked in his crèche.

So we wait. And we prepare. And Christmas comes again; in our home and in our hearts.

O come, Desire of nations, bind in one the hearts of all humankind; Bid thou our sad divisions cease, And be thyself our Prince of Peace.

Peace,

Denis

Am I The Only One?

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Sometimes I feel like I’m the ONLY ONE. The the only one who gets the joke; who sees the absurdity in a given situation; who uses proper grammar; who cares enough to spell YOUR NAME correctly (Oh, for the love of God: mine is D-E-N-I-S); who knows the meaning and proper use of the word exacerbated, which is often how I feel. Being the ‘only one’ can be lonely place. Why isn’t everyone as intelligent, well-informed, and confident? 

Of course when I think about it (and pray about it) I realize how self-important and misguided I am. At times I choose solitude because I want to be alone; to not be bothered by the opinions and needs of others. It’s easy to be uncaring when you remain aloof.

desertDo you suppose that John the Baptist (the crazy, animal skin wearing, locust eating, hermit) thought that he was the ‘only one’? The only one who knew what was coming? Was he skulking around in the desert because he was disgusted with the callous disregard of others? Maybe. Or did he think that wandering around alone in the desert was a great way to get his message out? I don’t know. But as we prepare for coming of the infant Jesus at Christmas, John the Baptist reminds us that there is something else coming. We must prepare for the change that Jesus creates; in our world; in our church; in ourselves. While I may feel like ‘the only one’ that is exactly the opposite of the message of hope, peace and love and togetherness that Christ brings to us. I am admonished by the Gospel message.

I need to join humanity. Get dirty. Pay attention. Get involved. Make a difference. Lend a hand. Carry a load. Love. These are not things that I can do alone.

I believe that when I open my arms (and heart) to others, then and only then, am I truly worthy to hold the Christ-Child. In the meantime I have some valleys to fill and some mountains to tumble. I know that my own arrogance, pride and ‘only one-ness’ need to be made low. And my heart and spirit could use some filling up and straightening out right now.

Peace,

Denis

A voice of one crying out in the desert,
“Prepare the way of the Lord,
make straight his paths.” Matthew 3:3

In The Days of Noah

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On this first Sunday of Advent our Gospel reading tell us:

Jesus said to his disciples:
“As it was in the days of Noah,
so it will be at the coming of the Son of Man.                                                                            They did not know until the flood came and carried them all away.
So will it be also at the coming of the Son of Man.”                                                           Matthew 24-37,39

normal boy 2I’m living in the days of Noah. Not Noah of Ark fame but Noah of grandson fame. My Noah (our Noah) is a three year-old dynamo who is a self-proclaimed “normal boy”. And so he is! He likes to run (indoors) and sometimes forgets to use his ‘inside voice’. He plays hard, laughs big, and loves us all. He likes to tease. He loves to climb, jump and tumble. One of his favorite expressions is “Hey, watch this!” often followed by some daredevil feat. He is always flashing his trademark grin. He is indefatigable! And therefore I am living in the days of Noah…

But as Advent begins I am reminded that even during (pehaps especially during) times of fun and frolic we must prepare ourselves to receive God. It’s easy for me to need God when I am desperate; when I am hurting; when life has dealt me setbacks. I cry out to God in my pain and sorrow! But during happy times I sometimes put God on a shelf to be taken down and dusted off, admired and replaced upon the shelf again. “It’s good to have you there God, I’ll let you know when you’re needed.”

Advent is not just a time to prepare ourselves for the coming of the Christ Child, it is also a time to prepare for the final coming of Christ. But for me the beauty of this special season is preparing myself to receive Christ in my life right here – right now.

First Sunday in AdventSo this season as I light the Advent wreath, I will prepare my heart (once again) to find the Son of God in my “Days of Noah”. While Noah welcomes me into his three year-old world of adventure I will take comfort in knowing that God is at our side. As we play hard, laugh big and love one another I will remember that it is God’s love that we share.

And maybe we can shout together, “Hey, watch this!”

Peace,

Denis

Thankful

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Yesterday our granddaughter Anna brought home a worksheet from Kindergarten. It had a picture of pumpkins and a turkey which she carefully colored and a ‘fill-in-the-blank’ that stated:

thanful for NoahNoah is Anna’s 3-year-old little brother. At times he can be a pest. He will sometimes destroy a work of art or un-puzzle a puzzle or disrupt a tea party or throw a baby doll across the room or otherwise torment her. His behavior will likely produce a shrill “Noah!” But Anna loves Noah and Noah loves Anna. And she readily forgives him.

This love that they share is fostered in the love that their parents have for one another. Caring for each other is what my daughter and son-in-law do; it’s what my son and daughter-in-law do; what they model; what they teach. And the lesson is being learned. Loving parents create loving children. And somehow I think that Deb and I started this love fest.

I am thankful, too! Not just for Anna and Noah but for parents that are teaching their children to love one another. Thankful for forgiveness and second chances. Thankful for constant reminders that this life is precious, and we are gifts to one another. Thankful that childish squabbles and petty differences can be resolved when we remember that our love for one another triumphs over all. Thankful that anger and resentment will cease when we forgive those who have wronged us (and when we forgive ourselves, too).

I am humbled by the profound and simple love that Anna and Noah share. For me they reflect God’s grace and beauty. To me they are examples of what is to come in heaven.

12-1-X2

Love! Joy! Peace!

The challenge for me of course is loving and forgiving my brothers and sisters. Not just my siblings – that’s easy. But this belief in God is troublesome. If we are all God’s children, then we are all sisters and brothers. Ugh! That means that I have to love and forgive all the jerks and losers in my life. Not only that, but I have to love and forgive all the jerks and losers in all of creation! I suppose I could begin by not referring to them as jerks and losers. And of course, I desperately need to receive some love and forgiveness, too.

So, this Thanksgiving I will thank God for the honor of witnessing the love between a five-year-old sister and her three-year-old brother. I’ll try to learn from their beautiful example and attempt to be thankful for EVERYONE. And I will thank God for the forgiveness received when I mostly fail. I suppose I might learn to love someone previously deemed unworthy of my affection. Or better yet I might be loved by someone who finds me unlovable.

I’m happy to take my miracles in small doses…

Peace,

Denis

Half-way There

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When our kids were young and we took car trips, inevitably the question would arise, “Are we almost there?” Sometimes this would happen 30 minutes into an 8-hour drive. “Are we almost there?”

family carI learned after several trips to reply, “We’re about half-way there.” Regardless of where we were on the trip, my response would always be, “We’re about half-way.” Of course as the kids got older (and wiser) they understood that my ‘half-way’ might have meant that we still had lots of travel or that perhaps (hopefully) we were near our arrival. Now that my children are adults we laugh about my ‘half-way’ response to the often-asked “Are we almost there?”

Half-way. It’s hopeful because you realize that a lot of territory has been covered and it’s prudential because you know there’s still a significant way to go. Half-way. It’s  cautiously optimistic. And it always reassured our little travelers (and sometimes their beleagured parents, too) that we were well on our way (even when we weren’t).

Half-way can be a good place to be. In many ways I feel that I am half-way in my life. Not young. Not old (not really old anyway). And lately I realize that I’m half-way in my spiritual life, too. I’m not yet where I want to be. I’m not yet where I need to be. And of course I’ve taken lots of detours. But I’m hopeful because I’ve covered a lot of ground on my journey even though I still have a long way to go. So I’m cautiously optimistic.

I pray. I hope. I love. I try. And then I pray some more. And often the mile-markers on my trip, in the form of friends and family along my way, reassure me that I’m on the right path. The glimpses of heaven along my way can be found in the love of those who share this trip with me. “Am I almost there?” I don’t think so.

But right now I’m happy to be half-way (wherever that may be). Love and prayers will hopefully keep me on the right path for the rest of my journey.

Peace,

Denis