Love

I Don’t Want To…

/ Denis Wilhelm / 3 Comments

I have a plaque in my office that reads, “LOVE GOD. LOVE OTHERS.” Sometimes it brings me great comfort. It reminds me of the friend who gave it to me, which brings a smile to my heart. It helps me remember to be kind. To love.

But honestly, sometimes it annoys me with its sanguine message. Often it challenges me. I don’t want to love others. Most days, I want to be angry, cynical and self-righteous. Love others? Even that obnoxious checker at The Neighborhood Walmart? The kid next door with the diesel truck rumbling at 5:30 AM? The lady at Mass on Sunday who informed me that she didn’t want any children sitting next to her, as I was trying to usher a family to their pew? My political adversaries? The guy at The Home Depot who couldn’t manage to control his dog from getting too friendly with my backside? Bad drivers? I don’t want to love any of those “others”!

As often happens, I stop and realize how foolish I am. As I reflect on my pride and stubbornness and a God who forgives me, I know that I can and must love others, even those annoying so-and-sos. Because many of them have loved me. And God always loves me even when I fail to love in return.

For years we have laughed about the time our grandson Noah, who was three or four years old, didn’t want to wear a collared shirt because in his tearful words, “I don’t want to be fancy!”. He didn’t want to get dressed up for whatever the occasion. He wanted to stay in his play clothes. He didn’t want to be stifled. He wanted to stay in his comfort zone. Getting “fancy” was going to challenge his very existence. You can’t run or throw a ball or tumble on the ground in a collared shirt. Despite his protests, he indeed wore that shirt and somehow, he survived it all. In truth, I would have caved in and let him wear what he wanted but his parents taught him a lesson that day. One that I am struggling to learn.

So today, I will try again to love others. It’s easy to love my family and friends. It’s easy to love those who share my values and my beliefs. It’s easy to love people in need who I see on the news or on social media. They’re distant and untouchable. It’s easy to love people through donations to charitable organizations. I’m shielded from their pain and suffering.

The tough ones to love are the family across the street who don’t keep their yard tidy; the lady who runs the red light; the Congressman who refuses to answer my emails; the person who pushed in front of me at the checkout counter; the family member who I no longer speak to because of political differences; the woman who loudly used profanity in a very crowded public place. And the man that I sometimes see in the mirror.

“I don’t want to…” But I’m trying. Loving others might make me uncomfortable at times. It certainly will push me out of my comfort zone. Loving those with whom I disagree doesn’t mean I have to abandon my beliefs. It might just free me to love more deeply, even if I shed a few tears in the process.

Thanks for the lesson, Noah.

Peace,

Denis

Remember When Valentine Was a Saint?

/ Denis Wilhelm / 1 Comment

Growing up I celebrated Saint Valentine’s Day. Somewhere along the way it just became Valentine’s Day. I’m not sure why, maybe it was a concerted effort to eliminate all that is good and holy from our world or to brainwash us into buying Hallmark® cards. More than likely it’s just a harmless derivative of what once was a Catholic feast day honoring a saint whose very existence is in dispute. Generally, it is believed that Valentinus was a Roman priest martyred during the reign of Claudius II for aiding and marrying Christian couples (hence the romantic connection). But several Valentines are mentioned in early Christian history and many legends surround the name.

St. Valentine

Whether Valentine was a legend, or a saint doesn’t have much bearing on how we celebrate February 14th today. Valentine’s Day is a day for lovers. Whether it’s a new romance or a time-tested marriage; whether it’s the celebration of love between parents and their children or the love we share with our dear friends; it’s a good day to say, “I love you”.

For me, my wife Deb is my Valentine. She’s the one that stands by me through thick and thin. She is my leaning post, my rock, my partner, my inspiration and my joy. She is the one that gives meaning to my life – she is my lifetime Valentine. If some red roses and a romantic meal together will show her how much her love means to me – it’s a small price to pay.

Some folks might bemoan the fact that the ‘Saint’ has been taken out of Valentine’s Day, but I think that Valentine cards and heart-shaped boxes of candy are as harmless as bunnies at Easter. And maybe, just maybe, it’s better to honor the saints living among us than some saint from antiquity.

We can love one another everyday but I believe that Valentine’s Day is a good day to love a little more. Hug those that are close to you just a little bit tighter. Kiss your partner with a little more passion. Send a note to someone you’ve neglected. Call a friend just to say hello. Put yourself out there. Smile at a stranger. Offer a kind word to someone you meet. Risk your pride. Reach across the aisle. Mend a quarrel. Carry a load. Take a chance. Change your mind. Change your heart. Make peace. Love God. Love others.

Peace (and Love)

Denis

Faith, hope, love remain, these three; but the greatest of these is love.          

Aging Gracefully (or At Least Trying)

/ Denis Wilhelm / 3 Comments

Society seems to be obsessed with youth. Slogans like ‘Sixty Is the New Forty’ attempt to convince us that we are still young regardless of our age. Afterall, if 60 is the new 40, then 80 should be the new 60 and 100 should be 80. We are bombarded with advertisements for anti-aging lotions, hair dye, vegetable supplements, weight loss programs and Botox injections. Not to mention the medication to improve our memory and hearing aids so we can better hear the commercials informing us about what we need to stay young. Aging is inevitable, so why not do it with grace and dignity. I’m trying…

Of course, one could argue that if 60 is the new 40, then 30 is the new 15, which may explain why our neighbors’ 30-something children, who are still living at home, have failed to launch. I remember that I couldn’t wait to reach the milestone ages of 16 and 21 and 30. Even 40 was fun-ish. I look at my neighbors in amazement and think about my life as a 30-year-old: married, three kids, full-time jobs, mortgage debt and car payments, utilities, school tuition, etc., etc. I wouldn’t trade those hectic (borderline manic) years for anything! We didn’t think much about the future back then. Our life was day to day. We survived and our children thrived. We were never rich, but we were never really poor. Our blessings weren’t monetary. Our riches were friendship, faith and family.

I must admit that my physical aches and pains are more frequent as the clock continues to tick. My hair is white. My waistline is expanding. But I don’t feel much different than I did at 40. I have the luxury of a less hectic life now as I contemplate the future. I’m about a year away from 70 and there was a time when that seemed really old. Now I look at my friends who are in their 80’s and 90’s who have so much left to do; so much more to share. I’m personally waiting for the wisdom which is supposed to come with old age because I have some things to accomplish as well. I suppose I must get older because wisdom continues to elude me.

A dear friend shared this scripture with me recently and I’ll admit we shared a chuckle about the loss of hair color:

Rejoice, O youth, while you are young and let your heart be glad in the days of your youth. Follow the ways of your heart, the vision of your eyes. Yet understand regarding all this that God will bring you to judgment. Banish misery from your heart and remove pain from your body, for youth and black hair are fleeting. Ecclesiastes 11:9-10

Youth is fleeting! Embrace life at all ages; let your heart be glad! Sometimes I see my dad’s reflection in the mirror, and it hits me that I really am a senior citizen. Embracing life at this age can be challenging, banishing misery from my heart and removing pain from my body isn’t that easy.

But here’s my solution: Memories. I have a lifetime of memories. Some are melancholy but most are beautiful. Many are sublime. They carry me to precious moments in time. Seeing my bride walk down the aisle; the smell of sweet baby milk-breath on our infant children; watching with pride and uneasiness as our kids grew up and moved on; holding on to our loved ones as they passed from this world to the next. Those memories sustain me. That’s the beauty and grace of growing older. The older we get the more memories we have. The more memories we have, the more grace we are afforded.

I want my grandchildren to follow the ways of their hearts and the vision of their eyes and to create memories that will last their lifetimes. Recently my wife and I were reminiscing about days gone by and I realized it’s truly a gift that the happy memories make the sad ones tolerable. Gratitude outweighs regret. Love conquers all. I’ll take the wrinkles and the white hair and all the rest as long as they are served up with cherished memories while I have my partner at my side. Right here. Right now.

Peace,

Denis

Peace

/ Denis Wilhelm / 1 Comment

Peace. Such a simple word with so many definitions: a state without war; freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions; a state of freedom from storm or disturbance; peaceful coexistence. But what does peace mean to me? As I often do, I look to others for wisdom beyond my ken.

Mahatma Gandhi said, “The day the power of love overrules the love of power, the world will know peace.” Elie Wiesel wrote, “Mankind must remember that peace is not God’s gift to his creatures; peace is our gift to each other.” In the words of Saint Teresa of Calcutta, “Peace begins with a smile.”

Albert Einstein is quoted as saying “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as if nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”

Peace is my miracle. I see peace when I watch the birds and squirrels in my backyard scurrying for seeds and nuts to keep warm in this bitter cold. I feel peace when I hold my grandchildren in my arms knowing that they are God’s promise to make this world a better place. I know peace when the love of others lifts me out of the darkness of despair.

The challenge for me is to be a peace-giver. Each week when I attend mass, we share a ‘sign of peace’. Simply stated: we shake hands or hug those around us and say, “peace be with you”. Sometimes I do it rather mechanically. Sometimes I fail to even look the recipient of my ‘peace’ in the eyes. And seldom do I take the time to really think about the peace I am offering.

Again, seeking wisdom, I turn to my spouse. She often reminds me that we have no idea what pain others are carrying in their hearts. What peace do you need, my friend? What freedom are you seeking? What are your fears? What emotions or thoughts are troubling you? I can offer this small gift. I can give peace, my peace. I can begin with a smile. I can hug a little tighter and hold a hand just a moment longer and let someone know that I truly care.

Here’s the other part: accepting peace. Am I changed when others offer their peace to me? Do I accept their peace generously and without question? Once again: I can begin with a smile. I can hug a little tighter and hold a hand just a moment longer and let someone know that I am truly blessed by their love.

My peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give it to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled or afraid. John 14:27

Peace,

Denis

P.S. My friend Joyce shared this beautiful song with me, offering me her peace.

New Year’s Resolutions and Other Good Intentions

/ Denis Wilhelm / 1 Comment

Another new year: another opportunity to do the right thing. Or the smart thing. Or the better thing. For me, New Year’s resolutions have always been about some kind of self-improvement. What can I fix? What can I organize? What can I accomplish? I always intend to get it fixed, organized, and accomplished, but life gets in the way of my resolutions. And then comes another New Year and another opportunity to get it done. Whatever it is: lose some weight; improve my finances; finish that home project; get all of my legal affairs in order; become more politically active. These are good goals. Achievable goals. Also, there’s a 50/50 chance that I’ll do any of it.

My Mom often used to say, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” I think about that now and I sometimes chuckle to myself. What she meant was: get it done; stop talking about it; you’re wasting time with all this deliberating; make it happen! I often share her sentiment.

This year my resolutions are less about getting things done and more about embracing what I have. Not the stuff, but the intangible things. I have been blessed beyond measure with a life partner that makes each day worth living. I have friends and family who celebrate my joys and share my sorrows on this journey of life. But life is messy. Families sometimes fight. Friends can be neglected. Neighbors are ignored. God often takes a backseat in our daily lives. Charity is forgotten. Prayer is an afterthought. I can always find plenty of room for improvement.

I’m hesitant to list my resolutions. Most of them are aspirational. That’s a nice way of saying I probably won’t achieve most of them, but I’ll sure try! It’s an easy way out. But maybe that’s the point. Instead of planning all this self-improvement, instead of talking about what I could, should, would do, I will own who I am. I will be grateful for what I have. I will do what I can do.

I’m going to begin this year by counting my blessings (even the messy ones) and then I’ll go from there.

Peace,

Denis

Let It Be

/ Denis Wilhelm / Leave a comment

The angel said to her, “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. Therefore, the child to be born will be called holy, the Son of God.” Mary said, “Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. Let it be done to me according to your word.”

Often this passage from Luke’s Gospel conjures images of a submissive Mary. A young woman who is overwhelmed and helpless to understand what is being asked of her. Certainly, Mary would have not expected a visit from an angel, and she probably was startled by the announcement. But to me, her response is not that of a weak or frightened child but instead that of a strong woman who appears steadfast in her convictions. Mary believed in God. Mary allowed God to work through her without hesitation. Perhaps she understood more than the Gospel tells us.

Any mother will tell you that the love of her child is primal and inexplicable. Mary’s love would have been no less than that of any mother. She would likely have been concerned about bringing a child into the politically turbulent world in which she lived, not to mention the very unconventional way that she found herself with child. And yet her love overshadowed any insecurities she may have had. Mary is a model for all of us. Mary took an active role in God’s plan. She wasn’t just a vessel. She didn’t just submit. She stood tall at His cradle and at His cross. And proved that love conquers all!

Christmas comes with hope of renewal. Christmas raises our expectations of peace and goodwill. Friends and families unite. Celebrations take place. Joy is proclaimed throughout the world.

But Christmas itself doesn’t end hunger, or war, or poverty, or terrorism, or racism, or homophobia or violence, or human trafficking, or all other injustices. Still, Christ comes at Christmas and we are reminded by Mary that if we believe in God and take an active role in His plan, we can bring peace to our world. Let it be me who takes a stand; performs a small act of kindness; who makes a small sacrifice for another. Let it be me who shares a smile; who speaks a kind word; gives a gentle touch. These things multiplied by the millions as we proclaim our Christmas joy will transform our world.

And so, I ask God, “Let it be” me who helps make a difference this year.

Peace,

Denis

Hoping

/ Denis Wilhelm / 3 Comments

Last week we went to a Christmas concert. During the beautiful hymn “O Holy Night”, we sang (well actually, this gifted tenor sang and invited us to join him) that Jesus’ “law is love and His Gospel is peace“. The song was performed so magnificently that it brought tears to my eyes. The words ‘love’ and ‘peace’ kept ringing in my ears long after the concert concluded.

In this second week of Advent, I hope that love and peace will prevail. In our world, in my home, in my heart. But here’s the thing about hope: it takes some work (and patience). I can hope. I can pray. I can wait. And then repeat as necessary. I suppose that’s the message of Advent. Keep hoping. Keep praying. Keep waiting.

So, once again I am reminded that Advent isn’t just a wreath and some candles; not just days on a calendar or something that I can passively watch as it passes by. I need to hope. I need to pray. I need to wait.

The author Anne Lamott writes: Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don’t give up.

I am trying not to give up. I will actively, aggressively, long for His coming, not just as infant in Bethlehem, but in my heart, in in my home and, in our world today. I can hope for peace, pray for love and wait for an opportunity to share both.

According to his promise we await new heavens and a new earth in which righteousness dwells. Therefore, beloved, since you await these things, be eager to be found without spot or blemish before him, at peace. 2 Peter 3: 13-14

Hoping that I can clearly see my opportunities as I wait to share His love and bring His peace.

Advent blessings,

Denis

Watching and Waiting

/ Denis Wilhelm / Leave a comment

Advent began yesterday, four weeks of preparation to celebrate Jesus’ birth and welcome His love into our lives. I often consider Advent to be a rather passive and reflective time. Longing and hoping and praying for Jesus’ incarnation. The Gospel message, “Be watchful! Be alert! You do not know when the time will come”, reminds us that Advent is a time of waiting.

We wait. We wait in joyful anticipation of a better world. We wait for peace and the end of violence in all forms. We wait for acceptance and inclusion of all people to the table. We wait for sustainability and the promise of an earth that will exist for our children and grandchildren. We wait for change in our political climate and discourse. We wait in hope.

But is waiting enough? What about being watchful and alert? We must open our eyes and our hearts to the inclusivity of Jesus and his teachings. For me that means “looking in the mirror”. How often have I rejected others with whom I disagree? How many times have I dismissed someone because of their appearance, beliefs, politics, age or sexuality? God did not create us to hate us. So why is it so easy for me to hate others who don’t align with me politically, intellectually or spiritually? Why are “my values” more valuable than theirs?

I re-read yesterday’s Gospel: “May he not come suddenly and find you sleeping. What I say to you, I say to all: ‘Watch!’” There is my message. Wake up Denis! Stop finding ways to separate yourself from others. If I want inclusivity; I must include others (even the ones I can’t stand). If I want peace; I must give peace to everyone I encounter. If I want sustainability; I must model it for my children and my grandchildren. If I want reasonable and respectful political discourse; I must stand up for what I believe but take the time to listen to others as well.

I suppose that Advent is not such a passive time after all. Longing and hoping and praying for Jesus’ incarnation must include action. If I want the world to change, I must start with myself!

Peace,

Denis

Eat, Drink, and Be Merry (and thankful, too)

/ Denis Wilhelm / 2 Comments

This week we’re reminded constantly to be thankful. Afterall, tomorrow is Thanksgiving and it’s a national holiday and we’re supposed to stuff ourselves with turkey and all the other good stuff and count our blessings. So, while I’m feasting on a sumptuous meal, I’m supposed to carve out, forgive the play on words, a moment to be thankful that I’m able to gorge myself like Henry VIII or someone from Overeaters Anonymous. Seems like food for thought – again sorry for the metaphor.

Don’t get me wrong. I love food. And I love celebrating with family and friends. My wife is an amazing cook, and our house will be decorated perfectly, and our tables will be set beautifully. Everyone will bring a special dish and hopefully a healthy appetite, and I promise there will be a seasonal cocktail thrown in for good measure. Plenty for which to be thankful. Still, some years with all the shopping, and cooking and cleaning and table setting, it seems like we’ve bit off more than we can chew – oops, there I go again.

The truth is this apple didn’t fall far from the tree (I promise that’s probably the last one). My Mom loved to feed us, and she made special occasions really special with her attention to every detail and Dad loved to be up in the middle of family gatherings. So, to honor their memories and to thank God for their example, we will make every effort to make it seem effortless. We will be gracious and refrain from complaining about the expense, and how much work it was to get the house ready, and to prepare the meal. Because we have far too many frenetic, attention deprived, days in this world with which we find ourselves, we need to actually enjoy a little elegance. We need a day set apart. We need a day with cloth napkins. We need a day without fast food or microwave meals. We need a day where we dress up just little bit. We need to bring out the “good” dishes and polish the silver. We need a day where we can have a moment to be thankful for the abundance in our lives.

And after that second slice of pumpkin pie, while we’re sitting around chewing the fat (okay, really that’s the last one), we can truly be thankful for the blessings in our lives. We can reminisce about Thanksgivings gone by. We can plan for Thanksgivings of the future. The meals. The specials table settings. And most importantly, the love.

We thank God for the love we share.

Peace,

Denis

Blessed By Plans and By Failures

/ Denis Wilhelm / 2 Comments

I really like to be prepared. I like game-plans, dry runs, agendas, vaccines, first aid kits, insurance and road maps (remember those?) I don’t like surprises. I like a certain amount of control. Okay honestly, I like total control. It just makes life easier.

Our sons were Boy Scouts, and their moto is/was “Be Prepared”. How wonderful is that? The year that we lived in England our friends taught us that “there is no bad weather, only bad clothing”. We enjoyed every day outside, rain or shine, because we were prepared. Planning and preparation make perfect sense. My children can tell you that while they were growing up, I uttered this phrase ad nauseam: “Fail to plan; plan to fail”. It was often met with eye-rolling that was nearly audible. But we were ready for anything and everything! Until we weren’t.

When I look back on my life, I realize that most of my greatest blessings have occurred unplanned. My need for order and control has been upended in a heartbeat. Often literally. My wife and I lost our first baby in miscarriage at five months. All of our preparations were suddenly in vain. Not certain what the future might hold, our marriage and our life together suddenly seemed fragile and frightening. A year and a half later we heard another tiny heartbeat and prayed for our miracle baby. And he was and is. I’m convinced to this day, that we might never have loved our son Tyson as much as we do, had we not suffered that first loss. Five years later our family included our daughter Bess and our younger son Blake, and our love multiplied. Of course, after Blake was born, we realized we were outnumbered. We certainly hadn’t planned on that! Those of you who have raised children, know that God laughs at most of our plans. All the baby books and parenting classes end up being so much blah, blah, blah because your kid is special or weird or gifted or dull. So, we just did what we could to keep your heads above water. And somehow our non-plans worked out.

I’ve had job failures (epic ones) that at the time seemed like certain doom. Resumes and interviews and networking failed. I failed. Once during a very dark period, when employment was nowhere to be found, I met with our parish priest. I guess I was just looking for some kind of blessing or some inside “God help”. Instead, he just listened and then he assured me that our children would remain in school and tuition payments would resume only after I had secured employment. His words were a balm to my weary soul. Had I not lost my job, I would have never known his love and kindness.

I still like a plan. I still need a certain amount of control, but I’ve learned to cherish the unplanned. The surprises in life (the good ones and the bad ones) make us who we are. Many times, my certitude has been dashed in the blink of an eye. Plans fail. Stuff goes up in smoke. And in my exasperation, I pick up the pieces and start over. I believe these failures have taught me empathy. It’s easy to judge others when I perceive myself and my life as perfect. It’s in those wounded moments that I find my compassion.

I believe that I am able to carry the cross for others because so many have lifted the cross for me when I could no longer carry on.

Peace,

Denis

Thus says the LORD: When someone falls, do they not rise again? If they turn away, do they not turn back? Jeremiah 8:4